Ang nakakatawa dyan, yung mga hindi ko inaasahang matutupad ko at mangyayari, yun pa yung nangyari..the major ones.. haay weird turn of events.

It’s too early in the year to commit gigantic mistakes and yet, here I am, once again in the spotlight for doing something really really crazy and something bound to be misunderstood by many… well, update ko muna kayo.. mamaya na ang madramang parte ng buhay ko. So far, eto na ang mga nagawa ko:

-maging good girl ulit

-sleep less

-cry less

-avoid SEX!

-buy pretty clothes

-get my hair done

-endure pain caused by wearing high heels

-stop falling in love with CREEPS!

-do not envy thin girls who get to have sex everyday

-HUWAG MO NANG KARIRIN SI _ _ _ (kasi wala ka namang pag-asa dun hehe, sheet, sana kc pangit na lang siya, @ _ A _, wud u stop being so cute and sweet?)

-study harder

-think happy thoughts

-love yourself, more..

-dress more provocatively wahehe

-stop judging people

-don’t clam-up

-forgetting my exs
ETO ANG HINDI KO NA-ANTICIPATE NA MATUTUPAD SOOOO SOON IN THE YEAR:

-sana get married na (asa pa ‘ko!) (THIS WAS INTENDED AS A JOKE, GOD:)

(We really should be careful on what we wish for kasi nga may force sa universe na ibibigay sa’yo kung anumang iniisip mong gusto mong mangyari. Some of u may not know, but I am getting MARRIED on April 10th of this year..FOR REAL… When I wrote my New Year’s resolution I haven’t even met him yet and now, eto na, engaged na ‘ko. Kaloka di ba?)

– So far, yun lang… still striving to do everything in my list until the year ends.. wish me luck sa kalokohan ko

-maging good girl ulit

-eat less

-walk more

-sleep less

-cry less

-avoid SEX!

-buy pretty clothes

-get my hair done

-endure pain caused by wearing high heels

-be BITCHY!!

-go to church often (na negate bigla yung item before this hehe)

-confess and receive absolution

-travel, travel, travel!

-save up!

-keep your dirts under the sheet!

-do not go looking for pain and trouble

-work harder

-stop falling in love with CREEPS!
-sana get married na (asa pa ‘ko!)

-do not envy thin girls who get to have sex everyday

-go to the gym (mayaman ka ba?)

-HUWAG MO NANG KARIRIN SI _ _ _ (kasi wala ka namang pag-asa dun hehe, sheet, sana kc pangit na lang siya, @ _ A _, wud u stop being so cute and sweet?)

-study harder

-think happy thoughts

-love yourself, more..

-dress more provocatively wahehe

-stop judging people

-don’t clam-up

-forget ur exs

-magpa-opera ka na!

SA isang kwartong maraming tao,

May isang babaeng nakaupo malapit sa pintuan,

Bored na siya,

Nagbukas yung pinto…

May sumilip na gwapong lalaki

Inalis nung babae yung bag niyang nakapatong sa upuang nasa tabi niya…

Pumasok yung lalaki, umupo sa tabi nung babae…

TAPOS MAGKAIBIGAN NA SILA

Ano bang ginagawa ng magkaibigan? Lunch, dinner, kwentuhan tungkol sa kanya-kanyang lovelife…

UN LANG

After six months:

YUNG LALAKI: “Ay, di ko pa pala nasabi sa’yo, lagi mong tinatanong sa’kin yung kung kelan di ba? Tinanong ko na.”

YUNG BABAE: “Talaga?! Paano mo ginawa? Umiyak?”

YUNG LALAKI: “Oo eh…Nakakakaba, ganoon pala yun.”

YUNG BABAE (SA ISIP LANG): ang swerte naman…

Sorry, each to its own…

umaga na pala…

tapos na naman yung panaginip…

kapag umaga na, dapat lahat nakadilat na…oo, umaga na…

umaga na pala…

P.S Naintindihan nyo man o hindi, ang mahalaga, hindi ito maintindihan ng dapat makaintindi…

An aftermath of a storm that passed two days ago

Small trickles of rain poured even

Reminding me of the time when you told me to pretend that the rain is not really rain but snow falling down on us…

            Falling…on us…

At the seaside, we waited for the words to form themselves

To pour from the mind, through our souls

To the broken pieces of the past I was trying to mend

            “Speak up, whatever it is that you said you were going to tell me, just say it.”

Your voice echoed from a distance

I didn’t want to hear you say anything

Yet you forced me to listen,

 “I told you before, didn’t I? I told you this isn’t going to work!”

I couldn’t look at you then

I didn’t have the courage to do so

I stood stocked-still

My face turned away

“I didn’t ask you to meet up with me to force you to come back, I just wanted to say goodbye. I’m leaving for Canada next year.”

I couldn’t say anything more after that

I was busy holding back my tears

You were busy letting me down

            “You’ll find someone else, you’ll find someone who’d be willing to commit.”

Has it even crossed your mind that I didn’t want to find anybody else?

That I was content just having you, for all that you are

Even for everything that you aren’t

“Was there ever a time that I asked or forced you to commit? What have I done wrong, honestly?”

You kept quiet

I was waiting for you to lash out on me

I was holding my breath, anxious for your answer,

            “You kept on bothering me”

            “That’s a small price to pay for what you’ve done.”

I wonder why I didn’t break down at that moment

The smallest instinct of preserving my pride took over, I guess

I looked at my folded hands before me, I was trying to get a glimpse of you

Standing beside me

But sadly, I couldn’t see you clearly

            “You’ll find somebody else…”

It was as if someone slowly shredded me into gazillion pieces

Scattering the broken parts all over the pavement where we stood

I was, once again numbed by too much pain

My body instinctively shutting down

I couldn’t feel the rain gently cascading again,

I couldn’t feel the wind that was cutting me into hundred different forms

I couldn’t hear you desperately yelling at me to let you go…

            “Are you going somewhere else after this?”

I didn’t answer, just shook my head, no, I didn’t have anywhere else to go…

None that mattered, anyway

            “I’m going then, thank you for this gift. I’ll go ahead now.”

I nodded, feeling the last twig of hope snap

I turned away, I didn’t want to look at you while you leave

It felt like my whole being is silently leaving me also

I was trapped alone with my anguish

Alone with the unbearable pain of loosing the only man that I’ve ever loved…

I must have spent five minutes seated, crying hard beside a stranger

Then I was overwhelmed with the desire to see you

I stood up

Walked your way, even ran mindlessly

Trying hard to find you amidst the surge of people buried at their own troubles

 Not minding one bit about me, with my blood shot eyes,

 Looking, craning my neck, to find you

But like all other sad love stories, you were already gone

I saw you once again after that day

I know you saw me too

But we both pretended that we’re strangers

That we didn’t share sweet and bitter times

That you didn’t hold my hand when I was feeling cold

That we didn’t cross each other’s path

I am finally letting you go

Though I am still filled with so much love for you

I am choosing to be selfless,

            One choice that I should have done a long time ago

Walk away now…this has been already closed

“WE” are done.

Marami pa ring tanong yung hindi mo sinagot. Hindi ko alam kung saan nanggagaling yung galit mo sa akin… di ba, dapat ako pa nga yung magalit? Ako yung nasaktan, ako yung niloko mo!

Hindi ko kailanman ginustong masira yung tingin ng mga tao sa’yo. Alam yan ng mga kaibigan natin. Lagi kitang pina-patronize, lagi kong ginigiit sa kanilang mabuti kang tao. Pero ngayon, hindi na ‘ko sigurado dun.

Pagkatapos mong aminin sa ‘kin na all along siya pa rin pala, hindi ko alam kung paano ko na titingnan yung sarili ko ngayon. Tanga yata talaga ‘ko kasi di ko nakita yun. Tanga ako o pinili kong maging tanga dahil sa pagmamahal ko sa’yo.

Kung magkikita tayo ulit o magkakasalubong, hindi pa rin kita makakayang tingnan sa mata. Ayoko kasing makita mo dun yung galit na meron ako ngayon para sa’yo. Gusto ko, kapag maaalala mo ako, ang maiisip mo, yung pagmamahal na meron ako para sa’yo, hindi yung galit, hindi yung sama ng loob.

Uulitin ko yung tanong, bakit nangyari sa atin ‘to? Bakit parang hindi ko na makita yung tama sa mali. Yung dapat kong maramdaman, hindi na rin malinaw sa akin. Ginulo mo yung mundo ko, ginulo mo lang lalo yung isip ko. Yung mga dapat i-klaro, lalong lumabo. Sana dumating yung araw na mapatawad kita sa ginawa mong pagpapahirap sa ating dalawa, na mapatawad ko rin sana yung sarili ko sa ginawa ko ring pagpapahirap sa ating dalawa.

Hinihintay ko pa rin yung mga sagot mo hanggang ngayon… 

Sabi mo, ‘don’t expect that I will be the same.’ Parang kutsilyo na naman yun na nakasakit sa akin. Ilang beses mo ba talaga ako kailangang saktan para tuluyan na kitang mabitawan? Ang tigas ng ulo ko noh. Pasensya ka na. Ipinaliwanag ko na rin sa’yo kung bakit nag-reach out pa rin ako. Dahil hindi ko kayang isipin na tuluyan kang mawawala. In any way possible, I want and need your presence. Kahit sa isip ko na lang.

Hindi ganoon kadaling makalimutan yung mga pinagdaanan natin. Yung mga memories nung mga araw na nasa tabi kita, hindi madaling bitawan. Unti-unti lang siguro… makakaya ko rin sigurong tanggapin na hanggang dito na lang. Salamat sa "reply…" Salamat sa tinukoy mong, "why, not?"

Minsan narinig kong kinakanta mo, " I’ll bleed myself dry for you"

Sabi mo sa ‘kin noon, "don’t worry, I’ll always be beside you"

pero iniwan mko…

I was YOUR bastion of reason in this world you called mad,

YOU even told me, I was the haven of YOUR soul sa gitna ng mga problemang hinaharap mo… I think it all held true…

until you decided to leave me behind…once again…

I’ve been walking around all day,
Thinking.
I think I have a problem,
I think I think too much.
I’ve been taught to hold back my tears,
And avoid them.
But you make pain into something I could touch.

I’ve been walking around all day,
Laughing.
I think I’d be better off without you here.
And I bet you’re sweet and hard to get over.
So I’ll cry and people will stop and stare.
Now that’s okay.
Let them stop and stare.

Cause I am fragile.
I am hopeless.
I’m not perfect.
But I am free.

I’ve been walking around all day,
Waiting.
And waiting is all I seem to do.
Cause I never get it unless I’m fed it.
But this time i’ll just have to.
Yeah this time i’ll just have to.

Say you’re not around, Am I finished?
If you’re not around, thats too bad.
Hope youre safe and sound, not alone now.
Cause you know I believe in you.

so long then..until we meet again…

Bata pa lang ako, kapag pinangakuan ako ng isang bagay, tapos hindi natuloy o natupad, naglulupasay ako sa pag-iyak. Ngayon, parang gusto ko ulit gawin yun. Pero syempre hindi naman yun sign of maturity kaya kahit mahirap, pinipigil kong umiyak tuwing nadi-disappoint ako. Alam ko namang kasalanan ko to eh. Ang dami kong kaibigan na nagsabing huwag gawin ang kung ano mang ginagawa ko ngayon. Pero dahil matigas ang ulo ko, eto..sige pa rin.

Gusto ko lang namang maging masya, simple as that. Kaso sa paghahanap ng happiness, di talaga maiwasang may kahalong lungkot. Everytime someone lets me down, magmumukmok ako for like 10 minutes, tapos ok na ako ulit. Ngayon yun. dati weeks bago ako maka-recover sa disappointment. Oh, at least nag-improve di ba? Pero mahirap pa rin, sana dumating yung time na ma-immune na lang ako sa sakit. Masaya siguro yung wala ka nang nararamdamang kahit na ano.

Ang therapy ko ngayon, sinasabi ko agad dun sa tao kapag naiinis ako o nagtatampo. Isang "sorry" lang naman, solve na ako. Ganun ako ka-forgiving, sana hindi maabuso. Ganun ako dahil gusto ko, kapag ako yung nakagawa ng hndi tama, madali rin akong mapapatawad ng mga tao.

Kanina, na -dissapoint na naman ako…alam kong di pa to yung huli…bring it on… I’m ready for the next one….

Nabuhay ako sa isang panaginip na dala ng matatamis mong salita. Kahapon pinilit mo akong magising. Nagpaalam na tayo sa isa’t isa pero hindi ko nagawang sabihin sa’yo lahat ng nararamdaman ko dahil naubos na yung lakas ko sa pagtakbo palayo sa iyo. Hinabol mo ko pero ni hindi kita nagawang tingnan habang tinatanong mo kung ok lang ako. Parang binabangungot lang ako ngayon. Hindi ako naniniwalang wala ka na. Yung pitong hakbang na ginawa ko palapit sa iyo kahapon, yun na ata yung pinakamahirap na ginawa ko sa buong buhay ko. Yung paglapit sa taong alam kong ssaktan ako noong oras na iyon. Alam ko ring yun na yung huling beses na makakasama at makakausap kita.  Isang linya pa lang yung nasasabi mo, iniwan na kita. Hindi ko kinayang marinig yung mga gusto mong sabihin. Sabi mo pagkatapos, nagkamali ako ng pagkakaintindi sa sinabi mo. Sabi mo I meant something to you. Naging kalawang yung mga takot mo…kalawang na naging dahilan para magpaalam ka sa akin.

Ang ganda naman ng timing mo. Valentines day na next week. Pag bumabalik sa isip ko yung mga plano nating gawin sa holy week parang gusto kong bumili ng ‘time machine’ para magawa kong bumalik sa kahapon. Dun sa mga araw na nasa tabi pa kita. Sabi ng qoute na sinend ni Alice sa akin, hindi ko dapat pagsisihan yung mga bagay na nagpasaya sa akin. Gusto kong malaman mong hindi ako nagsisisi na dumating ka sa buhay ko. Hindi rin ako nagsisi sa mga nagawa kong sabihin sa iyo at sa pagtatangka kong isalba pa yung sitwasyon natin. Pero siguro hanggang doon na lang talaga lahat. Tuwing makakakita ako ng comics, manonood ng anime at dadaan sa national bookstore, maaalala kita. Tuwing pupunta ako sa Lagro, sa SM at sa Robinson, makikita pa rin siguro kita kahit sa isip ko lang. Pero siguro matatagalan pa bago ko magawang magsimba ulit sa Lagro. Kasi paniguradong babalik yung sakit sa akin at matitriple pa pag ginawa ko yun. 

Hindi ako nagsisising minahal kita. Ang pinagsisihan ko lang, hindi kita pinakinggan bago ako lumayo. Pinagsisihan ko na naging duwag ako. So I guess this is it..i’ll say goodbye to my Morpheus now…